cognitivus | Meadowlark Inbox

[He knows he's taken a risk by telling Will what he knows from Hadriel, and by making the offer to show him memories, but it felt like the right one to take. He hopes that if someone who arrives here had memories of someone Lance loves, and who he'll likely never see again, that they'd be willing to take the risk of sharing them with him.

He's quiet as Will explains further, and Lance's mind instantly goes to one of two explanations: either it's something supernatural that just isn't known of in Will's world, or it's just... Guessing. Really good guessing, likely influenced by the intuition that comes from an active and very aware subconscious, able to link information together in a way that Will isn't directly cognizant of.

At this point, with everything Lance has seen, both are equally likely as far as he's concerned. And, of course, it could still be something else entirely.

So he considers those options for a few moments, a particular question coming to mind as the next thing to ask.]

Is it ever wrong?

( Good luck unpacking it, Lance, you're not the first one to have tried. Call it really good guessing, fine by him, it's an assumption or an accusation he has no interest in correcting. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe he's the perfect combination of a series of individual neurosis in a spicy padded-room gumbo. He didn't do studies or in-depth psychological evaluations for the purpose of research before Hannibal, he's sure as hell not doing them after. Not without a knife to his throat or a really valuable prize.

Though, memories of Abigail might have been enough to sway him if it ever came down to that. It's obviously valuable enough for him to toss out his whole... thing, but he's never put any effort into keeping that a closely guarded secret. He doesn't proclaim it from the rafters, but when it's relevant? Why bother hedging around it, hemming and hawing with euphemisms. It won't help them achieve the end goal any faster, it's not worth bothering.

An excellent follow-up question.

His expression turns into something bitterly wry. He both feels spiteful and darkly sees the humor in it all. Comedy and tragedy. )

Once.

[He's curious about the puzzle, both for its own sake and because it'd probably help Will to understand what's going on a bit more, but this is something that's somewhat beyond Lance at the moment with what little information he has. He's also just not at the top of his game at the moment and hasn't been for some time, which doesn't help.

So the answer is enough for now, confirming that whatever it is that Will has going on is infallible, and he can take a guess at the situation that he might've gotten wrong. The person, more specifically, that he might've gotten wrong.]

There was a third mental health professional in Hadriel when I arrived, aside from myself and Hannibal; his name was Rosen, and he was another psychiatrist. He and Hannibal had been working together, I think, before I got there.

[And there's a point to this, which he gets to after taking a drink, because this is another other of those things he's only been able to realize with time and distance and hasn't truly processed yet.]

I misjudged him at first. I thought he was someone I could trust, to the point where I was justifying away the warning signs as I saw them, something that I... Really don't do, normally. Eventually, though, it was too much to ignore, and it turned out he was a huge creep after all.

[Not exactly on the level of cannibal murderer, but still. Major creep levels in a different, subtle way.]

( He's happy to put the focus back on the actual greater issue at hand. The much larger, much more important topic.

Tragic that topic always seems to be Hannibal Lecter.

He watches Lance speak with an intensity that a lot of people find uncomfortable, at least from relative strangers. That's something he's distantly aware of, he just isn't interested in expending the energy for the sake of minute ridiculous social normalities. Far too sincerely keyed in to bother being fake. It's just that there's an... almost an intimacy to that confession and the understanding implication hovering around it.

He hates that for Lance in a way that is so real it's practically tangible. Obviously a lot of that is just him amplifying it, redirecting his own fire toward someone else's light, but even if his went out that's a hard line for Will. People in positions of authority, people who place themselves in a field that requires a real trust from somebody who then abuse that trust is one of the few unforgivable sins in the book of Will Graham.

(With one exception, but he won't know that for a long time.)

Well played. Wariness leaks out slowly but surely, deflating. He doesn't apologize to Lance for what he went through, not out loud, but he might not need to. It's written clearly on his face.

In terms of the Wendigo in his dream, the man connected to Abigail— )

What you have to understand about Hannibal is... there are no red flags. To say he's a wolf in sheep's clothing would be giving wolves far too much credit. He's more like... that parasite that borrows into a brain stem and takes over the host. He's a sheep, all the way up until he isn't anymore. There isn't a word yet for what he is. Rosen... might have thought he was a peer, a friend, an equal in Hannibal's eyes, but I can assure you he meant next to nothing to him.

Edited 2021-02-27 07:50 (UTC)

[He's a little self-conscious whenever people turn that sort of attention toward him, used to being able to avoid drawing most people's interest, but the intentions here matter and it just feels like... Focus, from Will, and Lance isn't exactly innocent of doing the same thing to people in return on occasion.

So he does his best to ignore it, using the opportunity to just better read Will's expressions, finding just understanding and empathy--no surprise there, considering their previous topic--and maybe some more of something akin to the righteous anger he'd felt in the dream. And he appreciates it, because he appreciates it when someone not only believes him, but doesn't question his assessment or ask him to justify it.

He's also relieved that Will seems to be losing some of his caution, or more specifically that he seems to be losing the belief that he needs it at the moment. Lance is maybe not quite as intense as Will as he listens in return, but still very focused.

When he responds he decides to keep the topic shifted a little in his direction, allowing the focus to stay on his experiences for the moment, mostly so that Will doesn't feel pressured to say anything that he doesn't want to about his own.]

I barely knew him; we only really spoke once, and I don't remember much about the conversation. I think it was just some basic pleasantries and talk about his and Rosen's work.

[Everything from that time in Hadriel is very fuzzy to him, mostly blocked out from the trauma of the experience. But it sounds like he'd probably dodged a bullet he'd never even seen, by his time in Hadriel only barely overlapping with Hannibal's.]

I don't doubt you're right, though. And I'm really glad I didn't end up talking to him any further than I did.

[He sounds like a nightmare--literally, in this case--and Lance can't imagine what it must be like for Will to have to deal with someone like that, especially with what Lance does know of how far it goes.]

( He's going to need to do a lot of processing on the idea of Hannibal slipping between universes. Yes, logically it makes sense that if it could happen to Will it could also happen to anyone Will knows, but it's... Different. It feels different. It feels like knowing a house is burning down and doing nothing to put it out. It feels like irresponsibly letting a monster loose upon an unsuspecting town.

Not that there's anything he can do about it. Not from here, not from in there—

...not from in there yet. But he will.

It goes without saying that Lance definitely got off lucky. Hannibal was sure to have been bored, he'd have wanted something new to play with to keep himself entertained. He's glad it was probably Rosen, and he feels no guilt wishing that on him right now.

No reason to beat a dead horse, they're on the same page about one party in this equation. He chews the inside of his cheek. The problem remains, his bone-deep need to see Abigail alive, healthy, talking. To greedily take in a little more time with her, stolen as it might be.

He'll work his way back to that idea. Just... stall for a little bit while he weighs it within himself.

Maybe time to outright ask, just to satisfy his burning need to know— )

Did Abigail tell you about her father?

[The question is very direct, and Lance studies Will for a moment as he decides how to answer. This could be a genuine question, seeing what Lance knows, or a leading one to try to gather information on the subject itself; he can't tell for sure which it is, but nothing indicates to him it's the latter.

So, after a moment, he nods.]

Not in a lot of detail, but the basics, yes.

[It's a vague answer, just in case he's misjudged, but otherwise it should say enough. He knows her father was a serial killer, that he'd killed his wife and tried to do the same to Abigail, and that his victims had fit a very specific profile.]

( He studies Lance for a beat after his answer, and visibly seems to find what he's looking for. It's in the way he seems to settle back into his bones, a little more tension breathing out of him. He looks down at his drink for the first time and lifts it to his mouth, pausing midway to ask a follow-up question. )

Did she tell you who worked her case?

( He knows already she can't have gone into detail about her father's death. If she had, Lance would have made a connection and that connection would be written around the eyes or the corners of his mouth. He's far too empathetic to school it out if he's not actively thinking about it, he feels. Cognizant is another story, but in the middle of a conversation where his objective is to be understanding? Unlikely he's schooling his features to be careful to anyone anybody but Will.

He's not going to volunteer that particular piece of information if Lance doesn't already have it. Not yet, and not here. His question's like a safety net, working a math problem backwards to make sure he did it right.

He takes a sip of his whiskey. )

[It's good to see Will a little less tense again, though that may not last depending on how he takes Lance's response; it's offered neutrally, not accusingly, but--]

No, although I now have a guess.

[Not exactly a difficult guess to make; if Will's asking, it would likely be someone meaningful to the conversation they're having, and therefore not just some agent Will knows but Lance doesn't. As far as he knows Hannibal is a psychiatrist, even if he might be involved in FBI cases considering his connection to Will, but Will himself is the obvious answer Lance would go with if he had to.]

( It lasts; if Lance doesn't know how he died, knowing who worked his case isn't particularly damning. It adds some context for how he knew her, and plants the seed for Lance to eventually get the full scope of just how utterly screwed up and incomprehensibly damaged the entire thing actually is.

He swallows his sip, raises his glass in a tiny little salute of acknowledgment before he sets it down. Guess confirmed. )

I use my disorder to profile crime scenes. I spent... an amount of time seeing her father, which I foolishly relayed to my psychiatrist in exorbitant detail. He knew how her father wanted her to end, and he did everything he could to convince me I gave her that ending. It was... the poetic climax of a well-orchestrated, remarkably choreographed play he was directing. None of us new we were staring in it, but somehow we all knew our lines. And Abigail-

( A falter, thick-throated. )

Abigail saw Hannibal as a surrogate father, so she wound up ending the way Hobbs intended after all.

( Hence the tube, hence the dream, how all of the pieces come together. Still just a glimpse into the full story that he doesn't plan on telling now.

He thinks even aside from answering a few questions Lance may have had about parts of the dream he watched, it might be... appreciated to know a more comprehensive view of Abigail's story, given that they were friends. )

[It's hard to decide which he finds more horrifically reprehensible, parents hurting their children or doctors misusing the trust of their patients. Maybe neither is actually worse, both just equally awful in their own ways, and coming together in this situation to lead to the tragic end of a life.

Lance and Abigail hadn't really been close--casual friends was a fair descriptor when Lance had used it earlier--but she could've been a stranger and he still would've felt the sense of loss he feels now. He'd known, of course, that she was dead due to Will's dream, and that's why he'd made the offer to share memories of her, but he'd compartmentalized that. Hearing more details breaks that down.

She didn't deserve that. No one deserves that; no one deserves to be murdered, and for it to happen to someone who's already escaped being the victim of someone they loved only to have another person they trusted be the one to kill them is just... Nothing about life is fair, not really, but some things feel particularly wrong, and this is one of them.

But this isn't really the time or place to process that, so he shoves most of it back behind the mental walls to be dealt with later, focusing instead on Will and a part of what he'd said in his explanation.]

It wasn't your fault.

[Will had called his own actions foolish, in telling Hannibal about Abigail's father. Maybe it's just bitter hindsight and not guilt, but Lance finds that unlikely considering who Will's talked about Abigail so far and the emotions he's shown. Will may now know for sure that he isn't responsible for killing Abigail, but he may still feel responsible for her death.]

( Where he'd gone maybe a little distant and internal in his explanation, Lance's reaction draws him back to the present again. Brings his eyes back to flickering over Lance's expression, picking up pieces of thought dropped at the corners of his eyes and the shape his eyebrows take. There's a lot there that makes him want to believe the best in Lance. There's likely one way to prove himself right.

He considers for a second which response he wants to give, because there are three paths branching off of this moment he could take. One veers away from the topic, one delves too deeply beneath it, one feels more honest.

Quietly, and with uninhibited honesty: )

It feels like my fault.

( On... so many levels. In so many ways. Partly guilt that belongs to someone else who won't feel it themselves, but that someone else lives in his head and he can feel it on their behalf. Partly because he should have... seen. This is what he does, this is who he is, but the one time it really mattered he was completely blind.

Lance is right. He knows... technically, he knows there's one person singularly responsible for the fact that Abigail Hobbs is dead. That's the only person he'll take it out on. Nevertheless, the feeling still remains. )

But... my... emotional baggage isn't the relevant issue right now. I want to see it. The memory. Just not... here.

( Because if he has some kind of fun, exciting new brand of mental break he'd really like to do it in private with only one person around to watch it happen. )

Edited 2021-02-28 06:49 (UTC)

[He's getting used to the idea that Will isn't quite so guarded about his feelings as Lance is, and so the admission isn't as much of a surprise as it might've otherwise been. The contents of it aren't a surprise at all, though, and he nods a little in understanding; of course it feels like Will's fault. Not only is that sort of guilt expected in a situation like this, but that was surely part of the point of Hannibal's entire plan.

But Lance has made his own point, and so he allows Will to shift the topic. It's a little more unexpected, though still not particularly surprising, when Will says he does want to see the memory after all, and again he nods.]

Yeah, of course, that's understandable. Have you found a place to live yet?

Edited 2021-02-28 07:19 (UTC)

( A slow, absent nod. )

Yes, thankfully, with some... very lucky poker games.

( Somewhat wryly, though the humor is tempered by the overall mood tonight.

It's small, but he's of the understanding most places here are. Definitely not enough room to hoard dogs in, not that he's seen any here yet, but the fact that he couldn't if he wanted to means he'll be absently looking to upgrade sometime in the future.

In the meantime, it'll serve their purpose. )

Do you want to do it now or would you rather do it another time?

[At the mention of the poker games he gives a small smile and a breath of laughter, both glad Will's had some success and pleased to have been able to make a helpful suggestion. But as for the last question he shrugs, leaning back a little to appear more open and casual.]

Whatever's better for you. I don't want to rush you, but I'm not doing anything in particular today either.

[It's genuinely up to Will; Lance is good with whatever he decides.]

I'd rather get it over with. I'm not a fan of stewing on things, it never ends well.

( Which is why hanging out in prison with nothing to occupy his mind for weeks will become a dangerous thing for one cannibal psychiatrist.

He'll pack up whenever Lance is ready, and lead them back to his apartment. It's tiny but neat, functional. Enough for one person... with no dogs.

Clenches fist. )

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I never got this notif wow

NEVER FORGIVE NEVER FORGET